Wait, what do I want?

It's funny how sometimes, when presented with two options, I don't actually know what I want.

It's not that I can't choose between two great things, it's that I've so thoroughly convinced myself that what I already have is good that I'm afraid to try the other thing that's probably even better.

Example: I'm a housekeeper. Not because that's what I want to do, but because that's what there was. It took me three months of job-hunting, starting before I graduated, to find this job. So by the time I got it I was so thrilled to have a paycheck that I had to make the best of a less-than-ideal position. Most of the time I don't hate my job. There are weeks when I get so over worked and exhausted that "hate" might describe my feelings, but most of the time I like it.

Or, I think I do. I love my coworkers. I love (sometimes) getting off early in the afternoon. I love having a job that I don't have to bring home with me.

I hate not ever knowing when my days off will be. I can never make any definite plans. I never have a weekend where I can go visit friends or family unless I request the days off, but I can't do that very often. I hate not knowing when I'll get off in the afternoon, thus not being able to make any definite plans. I hate that this doesn't look good on a resume. I hate that society thinks my job defines me, therefore I'm not worth much. I hate feeling exploited--overworked and underpaid.

The hate list is longer, but several of those things are caused by others, so shouldn't have an effect on me. Anyway, the job I applied for just before this one (last summer) is open again. I was the second choice last time, so I should have a decent shot this time. The only legitimate reason I can come up with for not going for it is that it might be depressing. It's a hospice job--mostly office work and coordinating volunteers, but the potential to have to work with families who've just lost their loved ones is high, and I'm not sure how well I'd do with that. All my other reasons are things like "I might not be any good at it" (bullshit); "I'd be letting my coworkers down" (bullshit); and...well...that's about it. I would be working more hours (not a lot) but I'd get paid a TON more than I do now. So I could actually save money for law school!

Sold. I'm applying.